THE SS DEEP INTROSPECTION

By Ciara Heneghan 

Did you ever feel like you just weren’t equipped for the part you have to handle? The phase of motherhood and childhood staring you straight in the face. Eyeballing you like it's got your number and knows you haven’t a clue what to do next? 

Have you ever felt like you might know what the answers to the questions popping up are, but listening to those answers could change the trajectory of your parent-child bond and that scares the bejaysus out of you? 

Have you ever wished you did something differently, but you can’t go back, and the only way is forward, and you aren’t quite sure if this direction is actually the one you want to take? 

Have you lain awake at night asking yourself if what you said counted when it mattered, if what you did made a difference, and if your mothering is enough to make sure your kids are able and capable of dealing with all the things that they will face as they grow? 

Have you ever cried with fierce emotion knowing that the way you had to discipline your child was necessary but … because you are the cycle breaker, you wish it was easier for everyone involved? 

Have you ever felt the weight of being the mother and the father so deeply because you are doing this mothering thing alone, and it is so tough to be in your feminine and masculine all at one time, when all you want to do is just mother your kids like the mother you are? 

Has discipline ever felt like it's too hard, even though you know it's necessary to follow through no matter what? 

What does discipline mean to you? Is it real love? Is it kindness? Is it understanding? Is it communication? Is it following through no matter what? Is it caring enough to say no? Is it having the conversations no one else will ever be willing to have with the people you love most in the world? Is it making a point when it feels like no one else will? Is it calling out bullshit even and especially when it's from you kids? Is it force? Is it power? Is it peace? Is it freedom? Is discipline as much for you as it is for your kids? 

I ask myself every single one of these questions on rotation every day. Sure, there are days when it feels simpler, when it feels like deep breathing, hugs, love, great conversations and fun, and then there are the days when it feels like I am walking through mud puddles up to my knees just praying I am doing the right thing and not screwing up my child with every move I make. 

See, I am a cycle breaker. I am reparenting myself first so that I can parent my most awesome son. The person who means the most in the world to me. The person whom I have raised, alone, for 18 years. The person who has been my best teacher, my greatest unconditional love, whatever unconditional love means, really, in the grand scheme of things, my baby, my boy, and the one I want to instil every ounce of wisdom in, whilst also making sure I give him all the space in the world to listen to his own innate wisdom. 

I have also been doing personal development and working on my own self-awareness since I was 16, so seeing my own patterns from the way I was raised, pop up in the way I am raising my boy, is fascinating, and I am in a constant state of nipping those patterns in the bud as my son and I navigate and grow together. 

Something came up that I was so unprepared for, it threw me for a loop and in an instant, I realised just how much charge we have over our kids' lives until we don’t. And how influential, both positively and negatively, other people can be in our kids' lives. And that sometimes, the ones that say they love our kids can actually be negatively manipulative while packaging it all up in love. This is a wild time. 

What do you do when your child asks for something that requires you to be a different type of parent to them, uplevelling yourself, but their request did not come from them, but from someone in their lives who says they love them? A friend, or a girlfriend, or a boyfriend. You can see that it’s manipulative, you are fully aware of the ultimatum being placed on your child, and you know that if you push what you know onto your child, they will move away from you, not because they don’t love you, but because they love someone else more in that moment. Romantic love is a huge draw. 

Cutting the apron strings is only ever hard for the parent, and it is so necessary to give our kids the space they need to thrive. If we have done our jobs as mothers in the early days and imparted all the wisdom we have to offer, allowing them to take what feels right for them and create their own, we all hope that when they come of age, they are ready for life. 

My son asked for more space, more freedom, and for me to stop smothering him. He sees it as smothering when I check in, not because he actually sees it, but because someone important in his life, who has a hold on him, told him they had a problem with it. I am heartbroken that he doesn’t see for himself, that he didn’t ask for it because he didn’t have a problem with it, and also, I have to step back and honour his request even though it did not come from him. 

It’s at times like this that it takes every ounce of my own growth, wisdom, intuition and self charge to not rush in and tell him I know best, but I also won’t ever sit idly by when someone I love is being manipulated, and thank God my relationship with my boy has always been one of deep communication because i get to have a conversation with him and he with me about what we see, what we need, what we want, how we can come to the table in more harmony and the outcome of those talks are epic. 

We talked, we both listened, we both heard each other, and now … all I can do is let it be what it is. 

How much of mothering is trusting the process while holding on for dear life and hoping and praying you don’t fall off? Funny … and not so much! 

I met my cousin today, and after I had shared something with her and she said well done for handling it so well, I said the following: " If there was one piece of wisdom I could give every parent in the entire world, it would be - open communication is key’, and we nodded sagely and then went on our merry ways, BUT it is the truest truth. How many times have things gone sideways because something wasn’t communicated clearly and cleanly? And of course, sometimes that clean and clear communication can be easier said than done, but dammit … we have to try. As mothers doing things differently, we have to try to, at the very least, shine a spotlight on our own communication so we can make it better WITH our kids so they can know and feel what that’s like first for themselves, and then for when they have their own kids. 

And it's never nice to shine a spotlight on ourselves and call ourselves out ‘in public’ ( with our kids ) and show where we aren’t doing great, or even well. Where we have to do better, and where we have gone wrong. Who likes to admit to being wrong? It isn’t comfortable, especially when it comes with so much judgement because of how we were raised by parents who would never have admitted to being wrong in any circumstance, ever. 

Who wants their kids to see them in any kind of light other than a strong one? Who wants their kids to see the perceived ‘weakness’ or our true colours as mothers? Who really wants to put themselves in that scenario willingly? Not many people, but the ones who do, the cycle breakers, they do it because they want to be better, they want more for their kids, and they want their kids to take a whole new way into their own lives, so the knock-on effect will change from our generation to theirs. That is a worthy path to choose, but worthy doesn’t mean easy. It never feels easy for me, but … it always feels worth it. Especially when the conversations my son and I have end up in both of us seeing where we have to go away and do some work, and both of us seeing each other's point of view with no judgement and a willingness to understand. That feels like it's worth taking a big breath over, and congratulating myself on. Have you ever felt that? 

I had no idea where this chapter would go this time round, but it feels like this one is all about the questions I ask, and wondering if you ask them of yourself too? 

My son is 18 right now, and I find myself asking - Have I done enough? Have I equipped him in every way I could so he won't be taken advantage of? Have I given him tools to be aware of when someone is trying to manipulate him? Have I shown him the many ways to ask questions and think critically about everything so he always forms his own opinion and finds his own truth? Have I shown him enough love so he will know what it looks like, feels like, and sounds like when others come into his life and give it to him? Have I given him enough space to grow? Have I taught him all the life skills he needs to survive and thrive? What do I still need to impart to him and allow him to process and make his own? Have I done enough? Have I been enough? Have I loved enough? Have I shown enough? What more do I need to do, and how should I do it? 

The questions feel endless, the older he gets, as we approach that moment when he gets ready to leave ‘the nest’. When he gets to that stage that I have been raising him towards, where he makes his own decisions in their entirety, where he makes his own choices without any input from me. Will he be able to do it all, and what does it mean about me if he isn’t or doesn’t? While also thinking, but it's not about me, it's about him … can I be ok with that? 

And then I ask - am I ready to let him go, whilst also knowing that if I don’t let him go intentionally, he will go forcefully, and that would break my heart. 

And how is feeling broken-hearted without anything even happening, a way of feeling for a mother on the regular? I definitely didn’t sign up for that, but here we are, and the feeling is becoming more and more something I carry with me because of all the ‘what ifs’ that are constantly appearing in my mind on this teenage parenting journey. 

And yet, with every one of these questions, with all this uncertainty, with all the potential for heartbreak and with every single bit of work I have to do on myself so that our relationship can be better so that he can flourish and so that when he has his own kids, his relationship can be beautifully free from a long line of ancestral and generational bullshit … I know that I wouldn’t have it any other way because it is so worth it to be creating something of such strength and awesomeness with my boy. 

So I will keep asking the questions, keep dissecting the answers for the truth of the matter, and keep growing our relationship no matter what else is going on. He is worth it, we are worth it, and his life will be all the better for the solid foundations I built for and with him long after he leaves this ‘nest’.

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