Tell All - Part 5

I once had a boyfriend who was a raging narcissist. And something I saw earlier today made me sit up and think.

I saw a woman saying how 'dangerous it is for other women to label a man a narcissist, because there is a real psychological disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and only a psychologist should be diagnosing', and all I could think was … no. Let’s not gaslight women who are having a personal experience with a narcissist who has no doubt gaslit them beyond belief, and finally feeling able to name it and call it out, by telling them they shouldn't and invalidating their experience because some internet tool says so because … psychology.

Hard pass!

Anyway, I got on with my day but something came to me that made me realise I have been carrying it for many years.

I was a personal trainer and fitness instructor for many years, and when I started out, I worked in a gym in Dublin. I was in savage shape, doing triathlons in Chicago, training like a mad woman for all kinds of things, body building and loving it.

I met a man in the gym and he started the whole ‘mating call of the Dublin man in the wild’ … called … flirting. An interesting dance that I injoyed because … he was handsome and totally my type.

We started dating and we would train together in the gym. He was a massive man, 6 foot 3, built like a brick shit house, strong as an ox and in it to impress me.

I am 5 foot 6, lean, strong, but no brick shit house.

He came in one day, like the big man in town, and said he wanted to train shoulders. Now, I love a good shoulder session so I was fully on board. Half way through, he lifted up 2 dumbbells that were way too heavy for him, but he wanted to show off. He asked me to spot him, so I'm standing behind him, ready for him to get the weights up to shoulder height, and he was struggling. I mentioned the weight might be too heavy for him but … he was in front of his boys … and me … so … couldn’t lose face.

He finally got the weights up, and went to lift them before giving me the heads up he was ready, I got my hands under his elbows a fraction too late, and he had to drop the weight without even doing one rep.

Instantly that man changed … he roared - ‘for f&ck sake Cirs - you nearly f&cked my shoulder, caught himself … because he was in front of his boys, and decided the best way forward was to ridicule me.

Him: Eh … it's your fault I just hurt my shoulder - laugh …. Some personal trainer you are letting me hurt myself - laugh. I might be injured for life - laugh. You weren’t there in time - laugh. You couldn’t hold my arms up - laugh. You’d wanna do some more training - laugh … and on and on … but he said it all with a smile, jovial like, banter … ‘just joking’ … and had all the boys laughing with him.

I knew it wasn’t my fault.

I knew it was entirely on him.

I knew this was a him problem not a me problem.

I knew I had been spotting all the massive body builders for more than a year and not once had any incident happened.

But … I said nothing. I somehow overrode my knowing and I just stood there, half cracking a grin like I was totally buying what he was selling, while feeling like an idiot.

I took on the blame because he told me to.

See … this guy had been doing his thing with me for a couple of months at this stage, and my self esteem was already at a low when he met me, due to a lifelong relationship with another narcissistic gaslighter - my mother - so … he had me right where he wanted me.

I didn’t see what happened or what was happening in that specific situation until this morning … 22 years later.

I can’t tell you how many times I have thought of that moment and thought … God, I should have done better, I should have known better, I should have anticipated his move, I should have been there, I should have held him, I should have been able to hold him, I should have been a mind reader, I should ….

I SHOULD …

Not one ounce of me was appointing responsibility where it should have been.

I shouldered it all ( pun intended ).

He should have done all those things. It was his responsibility - Entirely, Completely, Him.

But a great narcissist and gaslighter has mastered the ability to make someone small so they can feel big … and then they give a compliment and everything is great again.

Which is what he did, incidentally, later that day, he told me how fit and hot I was and it was as if everything that happened … didn’t!

But it did, and the mark remained.

The whispers of something not quite right.

A kind of knocking or scratching on the inside of my psyche like it was buried under dirt.

And I could hear words like … you know you’re not crazy. You know that just happened, you know this isn’t right … wake up, come back to yourself … and then … the echos would fade and I’d be back in the room wondering what the hell happened?

By the time I was ready, 8 years after we first met, to leave him completely, and it took a few years after that to really understand the magnitude of the type of relationship I had been in, for me to call the behavior what it was, if some internet know it all had come and told me I couldn’t name the truth after living it for all that time, well … she would have gotten a sharp tongue and a swift exit.

I thank God every day that I am the person that I am, willing to know that everything happens for a reason, everything happens when it's supposed to, and when things are sh!t, it means I have to look at why, what my part is in it, learn from it and move. No matter how long it takes, no matter how many layers … I move!

Our choices have consequences … no matter what, and while that doesn’t feel good in the moment, it is the truth. We often make choices regardless of the fact that we see or feel red flags inside those choices, no judgement … those red flags can be fleeting and when we are not in total alignment with the truth of who we are, in total trust that we know what we know without having to second guess our gut, we end up reaping what we sowed.

And that is not to say for one minute that it is our responsibility to take on someone else’s dick-ish-ness … oh absolutely not, but … if we choose to allow it, if we choose to stay in it, if we choose to bypass those quiet echos or worse, real feelings, the outcomes can be dire and it takes quite some time to heal from it all.

I really believe everyone from a very early age should be taught about intuition, trust in self, identifying red flags ( real ones ) and then from 13, about the types of behaviour that are not ok and absolutely not acceptable, to have done to you, or to do to anyone else.

We are exceptionally powerful no matter what we have been through or at what stage of life things happened to us. I just had to be aware enough of that truth to begin making better choices in my life so I could thrive, and I had to be willing to learn the lessons that were given to me.

I have 18 years of stories in total with that man … and I will share more. If you see yourself in any of it, if you hear yourself in any of it, move. You’ve got this!

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