Tell All - Part 3

I saw this video on Instagram the other day. A voice over with the camera directed at a boy … late teens/early 20's, and the voice over and caption read …

‘Would you choose your mom to be your mom if you had the choice again, be brutally honest’

It caught my breath.

I wondered … would he?

Now let me be clear … I have mothered my son differently to how I was ‘mothered’, and if I'm honest … different to how many mothers mother.

Why?

Because I chose a path. I made a vow when I was 16 that I would do it differently for my children when I was a mother. For the most part, I have followed through with that vow. The other part is definitely human nature and working through old patterns.

Learning the term ‘reparenting’ really opened my eyes.

So there I am, sitting at home pondering the question in the video and thinking about asking my son the question.

A little nervous.

A little fragile.

A little hesitant.

But … I wanted to know.

You know the saying ‘don't ask a question if you don't want the answer’ … well, I concur with that idea completely. People out here asking questions they already intuitively know the answer for but wanting to hurt themselves nonetheless.

We are weird, us humans!

But I really wanted to know.

So … I found my moment. My gorgeous son walked into my room, we were having the chats, as we always do, and just as we were finishing up I said… ooo … I have a question for you J … he replied … oh god.. this sounds ominous … funny guy!!

I said … would you choose me again to be your mom if you had the choice?

Now … let me tell you something, even though I had a little bit of uncertainty … inside I was sure he would say yes because truly… for the most part … we've been solid.

But I do have a small sporadic habit of measuring him by my own yardstick ( I will tell you that story in full again ).

My boy looks at me, takes a breath … ponders it and … I smiled … ready for what I wanted to hear … the awesome YES … and he said … No!

WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO?

Yes … I asked him that. In the tone you're imagining, before taking my own breath and remembering myself.

Let him speak.

He said …

Well … you've taught me so much already, I've learned so much from you, I've got what I needed so … no.

In the moment I was still sore … hurt … NOT HEARING HIM … and stuck out my lip like a child, making him look like he felt the need to explain himself a bit more until I told him ok then and let him go.

I sat with that for a while.

He wouldn't choose me?

What have I done wrong?

What could I have done better?

Does he hate me?

Doesn't he love me?

What do I need to do to make up for it?

It was all me.

I was ‘in my feels’ in a big way.

And it had nothing to do with needing him to need me, no … it was something different … I needed to know he would want me to be his mom again so that I knew, he knew, and felt like I had done well by him. And that I’d actually done well by him.

It took me a minute to stop making it all about me and instead switch back into what it was that he said, and I burst into tears.

His response was the best response a mom like me could ever ask for.

I have communicated deeply with my son since he was 1 week in my belly.

I have treated him like a human being at all times. Not a mini me … not dismissed him because he was ‘just a child’ … but really held space for the wholeness of him.

I have called out patterns and told him why, because if I do it for myself I will always do it for him.

I have told him the only thing that matters is his pride in himself and respect for himself … mine… and anyone else's is irrelevant.

I have coached him throughout his life when he needed or asked for it.

I have been mom, coach, teacher, trainer and he knows I never mix those hats.

He knows where he stands with me which has allowed him to always know where he stands with himself.

I have been consistent

I have been his safe space

I have been his emotional support

I have been his provider

I have been his champion

I have been his cheerleader

I have been his rock

And because I have been those things he knows what those things should be.

He is an exceptional human being … a wonderful young man and I see that in how and who he is every day.

He has heard me because he listened and he developed himself powerfully with everything he took on board combined with all that he is himself.

Ah … that good old nature V nurture conversation … we’ll come back to that.

So … his answer … well … how could I ask for anything more?

Xoxo

Ciara

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