Grief in Training

I didn't grieve

For the baby I lost

In Greece

When I was 26 years old.

I didn't grieve

For the innocence I lost

In Louisburgh

When I was 2 years old

I didn't grieve

For the innocence I lost

In Westport

When I was 9 years old

I didn't grieve

For the remaining innocence lost

At camp

When I was 14 years old

I didn't grieve

For the abandonment

Of those who were supposed to be my protectors

When I was 16 years old

I didn't grieve

For the friendships lost

That I thought were solid

In my 20's

I didn't grieve

For the pain and fear I felt

Losing myself

In a violent relationship

I didn't grieve

For the hurt I endured

In a relationship with a man

I thought I would marry

I didn't grieve

The day the guard told me

My case would not be

Going to court

I didn't grieve

For the termination I had

When I felt there was no

Other way to go

I didn't grieve

For the loss of animals I loved

So much that

My heart broke in 2

I didn't grieve

For the loss of my parents

The ones I wished for

But never materialised

I didn't grieve

For the heartbreak I went through

Over 9 years in

Family court

I didn't grieve

When my 16 month old baby

Went away for his first sleepover

So far away from my arms

I didn't grieve

When my son was sick

Because prematurity

Takes its toll on little lungs

I didn't grieve

For the loss of business

After business

Wondering if I had just done more would it be different

I didn't grieve

For lost friends and family members

Who I loved and cared about

But I felt numb

I didn't grieve

When my child expressed deep emotion

At the hurt he felt

After years of his father's neglect

I didn't grieve

Through every injury

Each one taking me away

From a goal I had set

I didn't grieve

For the loss of my healthy, fit, strong body

Through the stress of experiences

And all that they've brought

I didn't grieve

Because I was too busy

Trying to live and love

And laugh and INjoy

I didn't grieve

Because I was too busy

Showing my son

What life gets to be like

I didn't grieve

Because I learned how to tap out

How to numb myself

To the truth of the matter

I didn't grieve

Because I didn't know I needed to

Until one day

I had no choice

I didn't grieve

Until the day I had to put

My beloved dog to sleep

And the flood gates opened to a tsunami of emotion.

And then

As the grief threatened to overwhelm me

When I thought

I might never again catch my breath or stop crying

Everything

I had never grieved

Bubbled up to the surface

And overflowed into every part of my life

And grief.

Being what it is

Has a way of arriving

When you least expect it

It comes

In waves

Not caring

The day, time, or moment

It is unforgiving

And relentless

And after years of being suppressed

It has no intention of going unheard.

Grief

Lays itself in your tissues

In the deepest layers

Of your mind body and soul

It shouts messages

To you through your tears

And demands you listen

Even while you're holding onto the last thread of stoicism

I hear people say

‘This awful thing happened to me

But I'm good,

I'm OK’

And I think to myself

Ah

I know this line

I've sang it a thousand times

This is the precursor

To an epic clash of the titans

Your grief and your self

Eventually meeting to dance it out

I wish people were taught

That grief is real

It isn't containable

Once it chooses to break free

That it requires recognition

And an allowance of space

To be felt and heard

And seen with the utmost of grace

And that

So many things

Can cause grief to be felt

Things that seem insignificant could be a surge waiting to happen

So its worth examining

The happenings in our lives

As they occur

So we don't miss anything

Because grief

After the fact

Is deeply exhausting

It takes over and debilitates in ways you can't imagine

And had my dog not died

I would still be none the wiser

At all of the grief

That was hiding inside.

I am processing grief now

As life goes on

Because that's what it does

And I go on too because that's what I do

But I am beginning to see

To feel to sense to understand

What my body is saying now

As its laden with unseen grief

I am crying

I am laughing

I am untangling

I am recognising

Everything that was

Needs a place now to go

And so I am open

To going as I grow.

I'd like to say thank you

To my dog Jack

Without whom

None of this would be possible

Everything happens

For a reason in life I'm sure

And the heartbreak of losing him

Was the catalyst for so much more.

Thank you Jack

For your life and your death

That's the first time I have

Written the d word since he passed

Just one more thing

To add to the list

Of grieving that needs doing

So nothing gets missed

xoxo

Ciara

What is your truth?